Still Sliding

Who wants to be homeless and jobless for the entirety of Christmas break?

Anyone...?

Ooh, how about me? Apparently, I'm the lucky winner here, as I've just found out that we are not allowed to stay in our dorms while classes are not in session, unless of course we're shelling out for winter intersession classes. This is on top of the fact that my job is also dependent on whether I'm taking classes.

Not only that, but my registration date was yesterday... and when I went to register, all of my required and desired classes were already full.

This reinforces my opinion that I really can't afford to be in college at all. However, if I drop out, I will then be PERMANENTLY homeless and unemployed, not to mention eventually facing loan fees. So I can't quit. I think I made a bad choice by choosing to stay at ASU after I lost my scholarship. I have come to despise ASU, but now I'm stuck. I've been effectively wasting $20,000 and these past three years of my life for a degree that I might not even be able to get entirely out of my own fault.

I guess that what I can do for now is possibly stay at Casey's apartment over the winter and try to get a seasonal job at the mall nearby. Maybe, if I save the rest of the paychecks for the semester and keep that job after winter break, I'll be okay and be able to take a break from ASU. I don't know, though, because I can't stay in Casey's apartment forever due to him living with two other guys (his best friends and friends of mine as well, but nonetheless--there is not room).

Not only is this humiliating, but it's all my fault. I've made all of the wrong decisions that led up to this, and if I end up being homeless... I guess it could have been in worse places during the winter than Arizona.

Really?

I just left an appointment with my academic advisor this morning with some not-so-good news. The portfolio results just came in last week, but since my phone isn't working (I lost my charger and have yet to receive the one I ordered in the mail), they hadn't been able to get a hold of me. Apparently, they liked my artwork a lot, but my GPA wasn't high enough--so I wasn't accepted into the program.



I have a lot of options. If I finish out this semester with two A's and two B's in my current art classes, I will reach a 3.0 and will automatically be accepted into the Drawing program, so I can take upper-division classes. However, if my grades fall short, I will have to wait until next fall to submit my portfolio again and will have to override into UD classes again. I only get two chances, and next year would be my second chance.



My studio classes are fine, but it's the art history that's killing me. I despise it, and I'm pretty sure it hates me. I'm terrified now because no matter how much studying I've done for my Chinese art history course this semester, I've gotten a 75 and a 78 on my exams respectively thus far. I STILL don't know my grades for Native American art, because my instructor keeps losing parts of our exams and doesn't post grades online.



If I don't make GPA for my second-chance portfolio NEXT year, I'll be shunted into another degree in something called Art Studies, which is basically just a general art degree in which I will be taking more art history courses and no studios. This is obviously not what I want.



If I don't get in at the end of the semester, I don't know what I'll do. I'm trying to enroll in a Computer Gaming certificate program, which would keep my class slots occupied, but it's not a major. I think it's pretty ridiculous that if I don't triumph over these classes this semester, I would be going into my fourth year of college and still not have been accepted into my chosen major. ><

Today

http://www.azcentral.com/community/tempe/articles/2009/10/26/20091026abrk-asusuicide.html

I was in the building next door when this happened, and I walk through that lobby every Tuesday and Thursday. I still don't know who it was, but I stopped by the building later that day and cried all the way to work. :(

A Little Ego Boost/Entertainment For Today

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Theresa

Hmm.

From time to time, being at Casey's house and looking at old photographs freaks me out a bit. It's as if... actually being a part of a family that has always stayed together, lived in the same place for nearly a decade, and has regular trips and reunions (as is the case with Casey's family) would be almost enough to give me a heart attack. It's an environment and history that is so radically different from mine that I'm not even sure how to deal with it. This isn't to say that this family hasn't had its share of difficulties, but the fact that I don't even know how it feels to have a proper birthday party scares me. This family has stuck together, and the smiles on Kid Casey's face in old photographs proves that he was truly a happy child (teenaged drama obviously comes later on, but you get my point).

I get pretty uncomfortable when somebody says, "What do you mean, your family didn't go to your high school graduation?" or, "What do you mean, your parents have never helped you pay for college?" or, "What do you mean you haven't seen a doctor or a dentist since you were ten years old?" I hear that these things, in a "normal" family, are shocking and unusual--but the truth is, I'm more comfortable with these things in my life than I am with the concept of the opposite happening, because that's what I know. How sad is that?

I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken family. I want them to grow up with lifelong friends, and make it through an entire school level without having to move away, and always know that they have a place to go back to when things get bad (even if they don't really WANT to, lol). I want them to have good memories and photographs from which they can track their entire growth from baby to adult. I want there to be huge, genuine smiles in those photographs. I want them to have proper health care for those smiles. I want them to have meals with their entire family sitting at the dinner table. I want them to know what it's like to have two parents whom they can talk to and get advice from. I want them to live in a house that has a history and where there are actually photographs of them on the walls here or there. These are all things that I never really had, and it would certainly explain why Casey is so much more well-adjusted and comfortable in himself than I have ever felt. When I look at him, I can tell that he is truly happy. I'm happy with myself as well, but... it's not quite the same thing.

I know that my kids probably won't ever appreciate it as much as I would, but it would mean something huge to me. I can't go back and change anything about my life in the past, but I can definitely change the future, for what it's worth, and if I ever do have kids it would definitely be worth it to see them grow up this way.

P.S. I forgot what a purring cat sounds like. I love it. <3

No Handlebars

Casey and I went out on an hour-long bike ride last night, and he started riding no-handed with his hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket. I was totally jealous of him--this is something I've always wanted to learn how to do--and started to try it myself. On the way home, we switched bikes. I had been riding his dad's bike; Casey's bike is shorter and has wider tires, which accounts for a lower center of gravity, which made it a hundred times easier--and the entire final ten minutes of our route I was riding with my hands stowed away in my sweatshirt's front pocket (or held straight out to the sides so that I could pretend I was flying). :D I was so proud of myself. Scratch one off of the bucket list!

Speaking of which, the reason I have Casey's dad's bike at the moment is because Casey's parents are out of town until Saturday afternoon, and Casey and I are taking care of their trio of cats. We're basically living there this week. I'm borrowing the bike to travel back and forth to the bus stop to get to school in the morning, because their house is tucked WAAAY back in a little suburb.

I don't want to give up the bike, lol. I forgot how much fun it is. Plus, I've gotten more exercise this weekend than I'd previously gotten in the last four months. :P

Hey-oh!

Just letting everyone know that I'm fine (in case you were wondering). I got my paycheck today and a package from my aunt and uncle yesterday, so I have everything that I need now and am just continuing on my merry way. Physically, emotionally, and mentally, I am fine. Just thought you should know! ^^